This was definitely the calmest Easter I’ve ever experienced.
When I was a kid, Easter was filled with activity: finding my Easter basket, eating candy, putting on my new Easter outfit, going to church, eating more candy, visiting with relatives, and eating a little more candy. During the last few years, Easter has included mostly activity surrounding church. Practicing the songs that would be sung at several Masses was the lead up to Easter day, but there was always plenty of worry prior to the services (yes, I struggle with performance anxiety…it’s those pesky perfectionist tendencies!) Beyond participating in the Masses, Easter usually includes a visit with friends and ends at a recovery meeting with a group of teens.
I knew this Easter would be different. There would be no practicing of songs necessary, no candy to eat, and I even declined a couple invites from friends and in order to avoid talking situations. The day started out as a normal Sunday: coffee and meditation. I opened by listening to a really beautfiful rendition of “The Deer’s Cry.”
As the song played, I looked out my window, and something caught my eye. It was a deer. She grazed for several minutes while I sat in awe. What an amazing way to begin the most important holiday of the year. After meditating, I chose to listen to some of the songs that I knew would be sung today at Mass as well as a few of my favorite worship songs. Here are some links you can click on: “Above All” (Michael W. Smith), “I Will Rise” (Chris Tomlin), “Faithful One” (Selah).
Today’s was definitely not a typical Easter Mass celebration for me. Easter is about singing, about praising, and it’s all done out loud. White board in hand, I took a seat in one of the pews, then decided to move to the musicians’ section even though I was not participating in the music. I guess I was trying to feel more ‘normal.’ The music was indeed beautiful. In fact, I teared up a couple of times. All in all, it was a great Easter celebration, yet it was different. On the drive home, I actually shed a couple tears. I was feeling sad about not being able to sing at Easter Mass. Like I wrote about yesterday, I am at acceptance about being silenced, but I’m allowing myself to have a feeling. Not singing at Easter Mass was a loss. It’s normal to be sad when you experience a loss, right?
After Mass, I took a nap. (This seems to be becoming a habit!) When I woke up, I watched a movie on a cable channel that I just discovered which is known for featuring uplifting shows. It was a tear-jerker…c’mon! Later, as dinner was cooking, I sat down to watch a documentary on the life of Jesus, and started to write today’s Silent Extrovert article. When I looked out my window this time, a blue heron (one of my favorite flying creatures!) flew by. What a wonderful bookend to my day!
Yes, it was definitely the quietest Easter I’ve ever experienced, and yes, it felt different. But I made it through Day #7 of Grand Silence without uttering a word out loud. And that is success.
Tomorrow, I visit my doctor to find out how many more days of quiet I get to experience. Stay tuned!